How long a eulogy should be
Three to five minutes is the usual range, which is roughly 400 to 650 words read at a steady, unhurried pace. If several people are speaking, ask the officiant how long each person has. Shorter and true is always better than long and complete.
A simple five-part structure
1. Opening
Thank people for coming, and say who you are to the person who died. “For those who don’t know me, I’m Anne, Peggy’s daughter.”
2. A short sketch of their life
Three or four sentences: where they came from, what they did, who they loved. The obituary covers the facts, so keep this brief.
3. Two or three stories
This is the heart of it. Pick small moments, not summaries: the drive to school, the burnt Thanksgiving turkey, the phone call they always made on your birthday. One good story is worth ten adjectives.
4. What they taught you
A lesson, a saying, a habit you have picked up. “She used to say worry is a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.”
5. Goodbye
Speak to them directly if you can. Keep the last line short, so you can get through it.
How to find the stories
- Ask three relatives for one memory each, by text. You will get more than you can use.
- Look through photos from one ordinary year, not the special occasions.
- Finish these sentences: “Every time I visited, she…”, “He was the only person who…”, “The thing nobody knows is…”.
- Choose stories that show a quality rather than name it. Don’t say she was generous; tell about the time she gave away her coat.
Getting through it on the day
- Print it in large type, 16 point or bigger, with space between paragraphs. You won’t be able to read small print through tears.
- Read it aloud three times beforehand. The places where your voice catches are where you mark a pause.
- Bring water and give a copy to someone who can finish it for you if you need them to. Nobody will mind.
- Pausing is fine. The room is with you. Take a breath, look at a friendly face, carry on.
Questions
- Who gives the eulogy?
- Usually a close family member or friend, sometimes several people. The officiant may also give a shorter tribute or homily.
- Is it okay to use humor in a eulogy?
- Yes. Gentle humor that sounds like the person is often the most comforting part of a service. Avoid jokes at anyone’s expense.
- What is the difference between a eulogy and an obituary?
- An obituary is a written notice with the facts of a life and the service details. A eulogy is spoken at the service and is personal: stories, memories and what the person meant to you.